Where's Armand?

Weighing His Worth

Do you remember being introduced to Ward Marden, author of 1001 Horny Limericks? Perhaps you are now the proud owner of one of his books.

Well it might interest you to know that there is a used copy (in "very good" condition) on sale for $95 at Amazon.com. Armand wrote the introduction to the book as editor for Ward Marden, his nom de plume:

He was born long ago in Detroit, Michigan, there attending schools that still emphasized writing. He recalled how he and his best childhood friend would compose for each other romantic tales featuring such staples as rubies pried from the eyes of sacred East-Indian statues, or daring rescues of damsels in the direst of distress.

He briefly attended the University of California at Berkeley, but finished his undergraduate education back East, under circumstances on which for some reason he declined to elaborate. He did admit to teaching college English and mathematics and to working as a fireguard for the National Park Service, among a passel (his word) of odd jobs.

He tried his hand at fiction, but poetry (not all scurrilous) remained his principal love. He was married to a charming West Virginia girl, from which union sprang one child, whereabouts and name unknown to me.

Photo:Only Gold

On a 40,000 Mile Plane Trip

The year was 1971 when Armand and Mary, a travel agency's dream team, went on tour for the summer:

We took a forty-thousand mile plane trip last summer, touching down at various and sundry islands all over the South Pacific. Especially wonderful were Bora Bora, James Michener's Bali Hai, an island he called the most beautiful in the world; Western Samoa, where we stayed at Aggie Grey's as hospitable and lovely a hotel as the advertisements claim; Nuku Alofa, capital of Tonga, home of the gentle grifters, but still very much worth visiting; Fiji, where we spent several days on an island in one of those beach hotels - you step right out of your room into the coral waters.

We spent a week and a half in New Zealand, mostly in the southern island, among the fjords and mountains including Milford Sound and Mt. Cook, both of which we'd rate with the most spectacular scenic areas in the world. We went through a glow worm cave, but this you have to see to believe.

A month in Australia allowed us to do most the continent, including an assortment of outback scenery, koala bears, kangaroos, the giant karri tree of the southwest tip of the country, the Great Barrier Reef, and a train trip of three days across the endless Nullarbor Plains (a desert with one stretch where the train track is absolutely straight for three hundred miles).

Then New Guinea, as primitive as Australia is modern. We are glad to report that the head hunters proved friendly, though they do look a bit on the fierce side. Java and Bali meant millennial Hindu-Buddhist temple ruins, lovely dancers, and underdressed "topless" girls. Bangkok was unique with its temples and canals or klongs.

We finished off the Pacific Odyssey with a week in Japan: Tokyo, Kyoto, Nikko and Fuji. The mountain remained behind cloud or smog the whole time, but Nikko had brilliant weather to grace the beauties of its shrine, Kyoto's gardens and geisha party and sukiyaki dinner (except for the intricacies of handling chopsticks) were no let down, and Tokyo is quite a megalopolis by any standard.

Mary had enough travelling by then, but Armand went out to Utah, Arizona and New Mexico, ostensibly to visit relatives, but also to attempt to cross the Grand Canyon on foot from the North to the South Rim. It was touch-and-not go for a while in the 120 degree heat but he made the twenty-four miles in fifteen hours, and still cannot quite figure out how.

Photo: Craig

Ten Good Reasons to Keep a Diary

Every time I read a few pages from Armand's diaries, I am struck by his devotion. He had to step away for a few minutes from the present moment, in order to record facts that would be read well into the future.

If it's a discipline that you have yet to cultivate, take a few pointers from Armand (his words in italics) and:

1. Record Life's Major Events (but be discreet). Diary, you are having impressions jotted down on your pages by a real man from now on and so don't forget it. I.E. somehow, through vicarious vices, I have managed to reach a state of manhood. (November 20, 1935). The details are written in German and then in French so we're all left hanging.

2. Record your brilliant insights. "A fire, like a woman, doesn't thrive on neglect", as I once said to Mr. White, re a fire he was leaving to its own devices.

3. Record sports statistics (something for everybody). Monday (1/2/39) Duke played U. of S. California in Rose Bowl football game. In regular season games Duke was unbeaten, untied, unscored on. Here they held S.C. scoreless for 3 periods, scored a field goal early in the 4th quarter and staved off all Cal. efforts until last minute of play, when Cal. threw 4 passes in a row, completed all of them and got over for a 7-3 victory. I haven't been so excited over a game since Amherst days and took it very undergraduately. I must be developing a Duke school spirit.

4. Let your notes become "the source to be reckoned with". Duke University's web site says the game took place in 1938, but Armand was there in 1939 and that's when it really did occur. I think we'll have to set them straight.

5. Keep a record of your favorite pastime, to wit The Mondo Awards.

6. Keep track of finances. For the year, I earned $1,000 (French job) + $10 selling my football tickets & proctoring exam & translating German letter. Mother sent (September through March) $125, less $82.50 still due me on salary. Expenditure: $921.50, there should be $131.00 left. (June 2, 1939).

7. Release your fears and frustrations. The more I see of her the better I like her - now sexually as well as otherwise (see my mistake of seven pages back). This bodes ill. (December 24, 1935). Armand is referring to a woman named Alto and seven pages back he wrote the lines in item #1. We're still left hanging.

8. Record memorable meals and recipes. Porter's famous corn, chicken, etc. dish. Recipe: 1 can of chicken (1 lb.), fried green peppers, fried bacon and onions, 1 can of niblets corn (steamed in can), 2 cans of mushroom soup, celery and olives sliced if wanted - serve hot over good browned toast. Serves three.

9. Keep a food log for your cardiologist. Then there's John Harlow's stew: 1 can corned beef, 1 can tomato soup, 1 can peas, 5 potatoes boiled first, 5 onions boiled a bit longer than potatoes, bit of bacon fried, add fat and all. 2 or so cans of water. Serves 3. Swell to dunk dry, stale bread in.

10.Record your life for the delight of generations to come.

The Mondo Awards

If Armand (Mondo) were to hand out his own movie awards, there's a good chance that they would have been made of chocolate. Armand loved chocolates. Plain, no nuts or fancy flavors.

Last week I proposed that Armand Singer saw more movies in his lifetime than any other human being. All I have to substantiate that claim are his diaries, so there may be hundreds of films that won't make the list. Of course, if a trusted source reports having seen a movie with him, it's good enough for me.

Where's Armand? is proud to present a preview to: The Mondo Awards!

Photo: LA Times